IT'S THE DIMMY YOUNG SHOW
"Hi there, everybody, it isn't, it can't be, great heavens, God help us, it is, it's me! We've got a great collection of rave tunes for you this morning and we're going THROUGH TO TWELVE, if I can sing that long. Let's start with this dynamic ditty from Marlon Froone." (Two and a half minutes of tortured screeching). "Well, so much for that, don't forget you're listening to music-loving Dimmy Young on 247 Radio Wun. Now, thank heavens, it's time for DIN's RECIOES." (Scrappy little jingle stolen from Radio London). "We have a postcard from Mrs. Butch Malone, thank you Butch, darling, for the beautiful plastic clothespeg you sent me. The card is postmarked Nooley, Dorset, so for you at home, here is a typical North country dish, Hippopotamus Meringue. The ingredients are:-
1 ripe hippopotamus (or 2 according to taste)
50 dozen fresh eggs
1 ton of sugar
2 gallons methylated spirits
1 teaspoonful of vanilla essence
1 boatload of mustard
1. Mix the contents well in an ordinary kitchen swimming pool
2. Whisk ruthlessly till the hippopotamus is stiff.
3 Stand in a pot of boiling water until your feet are clean.
4. Light a very, very, very large fire. Deposit the mixture above the flames, using an ordinary kitchen utensil like a magnetic crane.
"Serve in teacups (as large as possible). The dish, providing it has been cooked for at least 3 months should be nearly digestible now. If this is not the case add a little DOMESTOS - this should take your mind off it.
"Thank you Butch, now here's a record for all you invalids; let me assure you all that I can't help smiling whenever I think of you." (Cluff Rockhard spends 2½,minutes congratulating all and sundry.)
"Over to the news room now for tidings of disaster and tragedy." (News of disaster and tragedy.)
"I'd like to introduce an extremely talented and handsome young man. Ladies and gentlemen - ME! Here's my latest 'hit' Tarnished and GREEN'" (Emits a series of suave squackings then dies of embarrassment as all his hair falls out.)
THE COLOUR PROBLEM
Mr. Enoch Powell, Shadow Minister of Defence and a leading Tory right-winger, has been dismissed from the Shadow Cabinet for his racialist speech. After an initial period of shock and almost total condemnation, he has drawn an unexpected amount of support from many sections of the community including such unlikely elements as the dockers. The reason for this is not hard to see, however. Many people nowadays are vaguely frightened of the seeming threat represented by coloured immigrants. Mr. Power is the first leading politician to have voiced this threat, thus lending respectability to prejudice.
"There is not much active prejudice in Britain today, compared to a country like the U.S.A. What there is, is carried into operation by a small white minority. This is the minority that refuses to live within a mile of a coloured family and will moved to another district if a coloured family do come within that mile. This is the minority that causes the racial trouble in Britain today. For coloureds will move into their vacated houses because they can't go anywhere else, and eventually form a ghetto.
"The majority do not object to the coloured initially. They know the cheerful West Indian bus conductor, and the subservient, every-smiling Indian shop assistant, and say "Oh no, I am not prejudice." But then they see reports of coloured ghettos in the papers, with all the filth of slum condition. The fact that there are white slums of equal squalor is not considred by the sensationalist press and therefore does not enter the mind of the majority. It sees only an affluent white society punctuated by stains of black slum dwellers. Hence the seeds of racialism are sown in the mind of the majority.
"Not all responsibility for successful integration lies in the hands of the white populace, however. Coloureds should, and must, make sacrifices to achieve integration, because the conservative minded British would have to make many sacrifices under an integrated society. Abandoning some of the more obnoxious facets of their religion and making some attempts to conform to Western standards would be indicative of positive efforts by the coloureds. Of course, much of this will come with education and the advent of the 'second generation' of coloured immigrants.
"A possible future for Britain is seen in America today. In the U.S.A. there are seasonal bloody riots. Small incidents spark off unrest, major events initiate days of uncontrolled violence. Each riot sees and escalation in violence; first police, then rioters, and finally the white public arm themselves to the teeth. Soon the situation will deteriorate to an out-and-out racial civil war. This is obviously a condition to be avoided, if possible.
"What, then, is the answer to the present racial tension in Britain and to avoiding serious racial trouble in the future? In my opinion, the first step should be a restriction on immigration, whatever the race, on the principle that we should absorb the immigrants that we have at the moment before we attempt to handle any more. The second step should be an insistence on equal rights for all, a step which the present government has already taken, to its credit. In this way, whites and coloured would be rehoused in a way that would, at least, avoid the stigma of ghetto.
"The third, and most important step, would be education. This, of course, will be of far greater benefit to the second generation immigrants that to their parents. The programme would not only include a formal education, the same for white and coloured, but also the kind of education which comes from integrated classes of children. Educating the parents in this way is a far more difficult job, and little can be done to overcome blind prejudice.
"Looking far into the future, there is bound to be integration until the average Briton is a slightly darker shade than he is now. In the next century, however, there will be tension and bitter argument, but one hopes that the British will display their supposed good sense, and boy to the inevitable.
Accept the world as you see it.
Pass through the barrier of avoiding reality.
Look into this world, which contains the means of life,
And also the power to administer death.
A planet on which male and female suffer
The hypocrisy of supposed freedom;
Where the desperate need to believe distorts the truth,
Contradicting the value of understanding.
Our Earth is burdened with unnecessary differences,
In religion, in colour, and in politics.
Its inhabitants will not live in peace and harmony'
But rather endure the pains of needless conflict.
They feat the powers of their own creations,
And entice Nature to degrade her purpose.
Can a planet survive the demands of its members?
For sure, it will live or die in the hands of its children.
WHAT THE PAPERS SAY…
The relationship between the indignant, indigenous, white population of the British Isles and newly arrived Panamanian immigrants appear to be somewhat frayed. After the recent Trafalgar Square riots, which ended in the theft of Nelson and the disappearance of the better part of the Neapolitan police force, a government spokesman characteristically made no comment. Notwithstanding the early loss of the late P.M., and the subsequent Barbara Castle dictatorship, the public appear to be taking things in their stride, though many are prudently spending their holidays in Armenia.
The Sinai Times…
National Union of Seamen members of the Queen Elizabeth II, staged a mass walk out today. There were no survivors…
Shocking reports of the maltreatment of prisoners at Missouri State Pen. were received here today. It appears that the prisoners are required to clean their own shoes, are given only one egg at breakfast; many of the staff appear to be from south of the border, and worse still, tele-extensions and all they stand for, have been brutally attached by the authorities
Moscow Herald Tribune…
My own solution to today's Student problem is both manifestly simple and appealingly effective. A large hole should be constructed in the Atlantic Ocean and lightly armed police should guard this in such a way as to attract a demonstration. Having once attracted the vandals into the abyss the closely fitted trapdoors should be sprung and the lot made ready for deportation to Australia, to join the rest of the convicts.
The Old Statesman
Roy Jenkins' inexplicable decision to revalue the pound to $3 has caused chaos on the world's stock exchanges. De Gaulle is selling gold and buying it back off himself, whilst at Wall Street, brokers are singing hysterically in the streets.
When interviewed by Robin Daye of Pornorama tonight, the Chancellor, picking his nose nervously said, "It was a wewy wewy difficult probem, and we all make mistakes."
Now here we have a special sports bulletin at 2.00 Radio 590 time…
Here is your sports reporter Zenyth Worcester-Gnome.
""Thank you very much. Now here today we have a special pre-cup final interview with Nobby Door, ace captain of Left Hand Now Righted."
"Tell me, Nobby, on the eve of this all important cup clash, have you any pre-match anxieties, over injuries, absence, or any other disasters, which may befall a team at a time like this?"
" "Ah…um…no…yes…ah…you feel quite confident of your success then - I mean your opponents - Rottenham Hotfurd, have a strong attack centred around the hard hitting, left footed boot of the winger 'Dainty Feet' Sandall."
""Yer…dat is a problem, but no… no worries."
""Well I must say you sound confident enough. Now then, there have been some pretty nasty allegations going around lately about footballers taking their pep pills before mataches; can you through any light on this subject?"
""Oh…yer…we.. I dunno reely…but er you can READ ALL ABOUT IT IN 'THE NEWS OF THE SCREWS' ON SUNDAY, 7d. FROM YOUR NEAREST NEWSAGENT."
""Yes I shall look forward to seeing that immensely. Have you any special plans laid for tomorrow's match."
"Could you perhaps tell us something of them then?
"Ha…well…ha haa…OK then, Nobby, has you team been finally picket?"
"Perhaps the listeners would like to hear it then…?"
"No vey can't. It's a seekrit!"
"Well then, last question Nobby, since time's running out… What financial benefit do you stand to gain from the victory?"
"Um.. well then… ha haa… I'm afraid we'll have to save that far some other time. Out is fast running our, and the producers waving frantically… that's all from Zenyth Worcester-Gnome, your sorta-sports-reporter, till tomorrow goodbye…Wassat?...Fire?... Where? …Aagh crackle… sizzle… fizzle… scorch!
"Here's a news flash… The Radio 590 studio, in Chipping Sodbury, was destroyed by fire three hours ago. The produce is being remanded in custody at East Cheam police station, charged with arson, and with the murder of Nobby Door, that well-known professional footballer, and Zenyth Worcester-Gnome, made famous by his catch phrase "It's a goal!!... oh no, it's not."
VANISHED WITHOUT TRACE
(Weekly episode of Bannister Fletcher's famous thriller)
Roger Fowler slipped silently into the room … Something was wrong… He could tell by the atmosphere. He scanned the room with his penetrating vision; then it struck him…
" He was dead within seconds.
"What was this fould fiend that ravaged the countryside? Don't miss next week's thrilling instalment…
Next week's thrilling instalment:
A car glided smoothly up the drive, as Roger's still warm body lay twitching on the hearth. Vana Templeton stepped gracefully out of the green Rover, three litre convertible with leopardskin seats automatic gears central heating and Polaroid windscreens.
"O.K. wiseguy,: she snarled at a bush. A startled Zoot-suiter stepped out from behind the bush.
"Wadda you want doll?" he drawled. "There's a lotta things here which might hoit a swell locki…" He never finished what he was saying. Vanda had swiftly and I one movement dislocated his patellas, barked his shins broken his insteps and crushed his skull. With a dainty motion, she put her interchangeable self-defender back behind her ear and headed for the house.
No sooner was she inside than the door slammed behind her, and the ceiling began slowly to descend. She could hear the creak of ancient machinery and a demoniac cackle. What could she do? Don't miss next week's thrilling instalment.
Next week's thrilling instalment:
Vanda Templeton saw her death coming towards her. There was only one way out. Ripping of the stiletto heel from her hand made crocodile skin mock Chelsea high heel sneakers, she jammed it in the lock… The stiletto jammed in the lock… The ceiling descended and crushed the life out of Vanda Templeton.
Cedric cackled to himself in delight as he viewed her remains. "Serves her right," he sneered, "now that she's out of the way. I've only got to deal with father - then there'll be no-one left to make me eat that howwible semolina…"
Curried prunes are good for warts,
They're good for foot-rot too,
They're also good for housemaid's ear
And even Asican flu.
Why can't rooms have one wall,
Instead of only four?
Then we'd have room for wndows,
And wouldn't need a door.
If everyone had nine feet,
Instead of only two,
They could walk four and a half different ways,
And disappear from view.
FRUSTRATIONS OF YOUTH
In days of yore when I was four,
And not yet eight and ten,
I couldn't reach the toilet door,
But I was smaller then.
It has come to my notice that the genius who wrote this,
Is neither conceited nor vain,
But confesses his deference and admits his own preference,
For madness and thereby stays sane.
THE WILD WEST
Cowboys' knees are two and far between,
That's the way they are, of course,
That's the way they've always been,
Since separated by a horse.
The scene is the operating theatre of the Grummwallah Medical Institute, Shmuckvile, Ohio. Ace surgeon Kildead is performing a complex stomach transplant from a man into a fieldmouse.
"What was that, Nurse Fodge?"
"Sorry, Dr. Kikdead, I dunno what's the matter with me today."
"Needle. I keep gettin' these strange pains, yunno."
"Axe. I've bin like it ever since we started the operation, and, oh!, it hoits."
"Toothpick. Oh Dr. Kildead - can I call you Jim?"
"If you like, Nurse Fodge, but my name is Herbert. Fork!"
"Fork. OhHoib, I don' know how to say this."
"Pliers. I'm afraid that if I just come straight with it, you'll laugh at me."
"No, I won't, Nurse. Clothespeg!"
"Clothespeg. Do you promise?"
"Sure I do - go ahead."
"Well, I don't have much experience of this sort of thing, but I think, in fact I'm almost sure…"
"Scissors. I'm almost sure that, well, I don' like to sound presumptious, Hoib, but - well, I'll tell you straight - you're standing on my foot."
"Oh really, Nurse? Well, whoda thunk it?" (Skillfully disentangles himself from th epatient's gut and deftly doffs his gory gloves, then passionately embraces the startled Nurse Fode. Unfortunately he still has the surgical scissors in his grasp - did you spot the deliberate mistake? - and it is hardly surprising that the nurse's first reaction is to shriek briefly and slump senselessly to the floor.)
"Ahem. Another patient, I guess."
Presenting the first report of STAY's own roving reporter and part-time butterfly psychiatrist, Eammon Flubb, who has recently come from the inaugural meeting of NIFE (New ideas for England)> The main speak was Arthury Wartacer, late of RADA and Partk Prewett mental hospital. His speech is condense from an eleven hour monologue, much of which was taken up inquiring after the health of the Chairman's toenails.
"…Sirs, it is my pleasure to state that I have formulated the final solution to Britain's economic problems. It is revolutionary, practical, brilliant and stolen from a Sgt Rock comic. It is obvious that, to survive, Britain must DECLARE WAR ON COSTA RICA.
The advantages of this are tremendous. If we lose, which is very possible we will have to be given massive reparations for damages sustained during the war. To make the damae realistic, we can help the Costa Ricans invade us by allowing my plans for the Great Trans-Atlantic Tunnel to fall into their hands. During the course of the war Japanese and German car factories may be bombed with impunity, as we can claim inferior Japanese radar equipment made us think that the Ruhr was Costa Rica, and vice versa.
After the war the opportunities are equally enormous. We can flood the market with British cars opposition-free. As an added economy we need not include engines in these cars, for the first few months, anyway. And for the Americans we can have a special Tourist Rate See the Battlefields excursions.
If by some catastrophe, we win the war, all is not lost. As you can see from the maps which I glued under the tables, Costa Rica lies across Central America. We can therefore charge too for anyone travelling from North to South or South to North America, with special cut rates for Americans, of course. I fully expect to be knighted for this scheme.
And now to my next point…"
The meeting here broke up in disorder as Mr. Wartracer savagely attacked the Chairman's feet.
The Penthouse X
The story is of a married man, Terence Morgan, and his mistress, Suzy Kendall, spending the night n a penthouse in a deserted block of flats, who are terrorized by two psychopaths, Tony Beckley and Norman Redway. Much of the dialogue is amusing but disturbing, the humour supplied by the pointless remarks of the two intruders. The end of the film is much more disturbing, however, and amusing to only the most hardened of cynics. A film worth seeing if one appreciates most of the story being in the dialogue rather than the action.
The Charge of the Light Brigade U
As might be expect, most of the film is taken up with the prelude to the Charge but een the Crimean landings are not made until late in the film. Consequently the rest of the film is concerned with the telling of a delicate love story and with the introduction of the various characters - Trevor Howard as Lord Cardigan, CO of the Light Brigade given the most memorable performance. The Victorian background is meticulously reconstructed though the gulf between social strata is rather overplayed. The attach on Victorian militarism, which one would suppose would be the primary object of such a film, is surprisingly feeble. Nevertheless, the creation of the correct atmosphere and the editing of the Charge scenes make the viewing worthwhile.
New face in Hell
There appears to be little plot to this film but it contains plenty of gore which may appeal to some. The hero is a private detective, (George Peppard) who gets mixed up with and half-killed by the nasty millionaire-villain of the piece (Raymond Burr), and carries on a rather more than friendly relationship with the millionaire's mistress.
Colonial Sun 21/-, from Cape Publishers Ltd. The first of Kingsley Amis' extrapolations of the Bond saga. The main difference is not so much in style of writing as in the absence of the vast collection of arms, gadgets and devices with which Fleming used to endow Bond. This time Bond realises, with dismay, that if he is to surmount his problems, it must be by personal skill. Definitely a good buy, but although the quality is the same as before, the price is far too high and it would be wise to wait until the paperback edition is published.
Model Soldiers 30/' from Belmont Maitland. This sumptuously produced book is a classi of its type. The book is lavishly illustrated by a wealth of colour pictures of constant scale models. Its dialogue travels chronologically from the days of Henry the Fifth through to 1939. The text is in English, French and German and I would say that this provides an absolute must for all dedicated followers of the hobby.
The Somme H. Farrar-Hookley, 5/- Pan Paperbacks. Only for the avid military historian. His sector by sector account of the battle will rapidly confuse the layman. Although his detail is doubtless all relevant, it is so voluminous that the general ready is likely to find himself borne down by a torrent of names of people, place, units and weapons. To complete the route the author includes a profusion of troop movements, staff conferences and eney reactions thereby skillfully utterly confusing the reader. In short, the author would have done better to have confined himself to a narrower scope.
By Phony Crackfrern
Hi there readers, here's you weekly moistest with Phony Crackfern. I've got all the latest lined up for you, so just read on about all these groovy numbers.
Just to kick off with we're go LAZY SUNDAY by the Small Faces. This is a real gas from the wildest thing since Laurie London. The record fairly grooves along. It is written by Mr. Plonk Lane and the philosophic lyrics are ably rave out by Mr. 'Shoulders' Stevie Marriett. Incidentally readers, there's no truth in the rumour that Stevie uses a guitar rest. He has just had made specially for him, a featherweight electric guitar, which sounds wild! Unfortunately, Stevie is, at present, under sedation, due to the violent strain placed on his shoulders during his recent tour.
Next in the list we have VALLERY by the Monkees, another hit tune which was smitten early on by mechanical computer troubles. It's two minutes-sixteen seconds of super sound. Much to their dismay, when the Monkees arrived at the recording studio, to cut this dis, they discovered that they had left all their equipment behind, so some other musicians had to fill in for them. We can still, however, hear that cute, baby-rockin' voice of Dvy Jones. I can also almost hear sound reminiscent of the Beetles earlier hits. Could this herald a new Beetle revival?
Now we move onto a new group that is hitting the headlines; Pete Green's Fleetwood Mac. Their current single Black Magic Woman is certainly a wild sound, but just who is Pete Green…? and what a crazy name Fleetwood Mac is! Are they West Coasat? Or are they a new group from the provinces? All information will be gratefully received. If you like the terrier sound of Fleetwood Mac's two lead guitarists: Pete Green and… and…? That other guy who does the flipside vocals, then perhaps their new LP is also for you.
The Everly Brothers' latest, It's my time, should storm the hot 100. Those appealing lyrics, the sweeping sound of those strings, this Jon d. Loudermilk composition is a sure fire hit.
Last tune before my column ends… Maybe baby by the funky sound of .D. Butts and his Ram Jam Band. For all you soul swingers, this is a must, a real groovy number.
Keep on moving until next week kids, yours truly
PINEAPPLE COMPETITION NO. 1
The F 111 'all-purpose' jet has not been a great success. Describe the scene as the American arms sales representatives attempt to sell the jet to Fidel Castro.
The prize of a book or record token (according to choice) will be awarded to the winning entry. If entries or a high enough standard are received runner-up prizes will also be awarded. Entries much be forwarded to any of the four editors not later than a week after publication.